Who's Driving that Bulldozer?

I've said this before at the beginning of a few previous posts, but it feels fair to tell you: I've got an edge on.

This will probably end up being a good thing, considering the direction I foresee this blog post going.

There's a gulf between my heart and my head. An Aaron-shaped gulf.

If you haven't read the post just previous to this one, go read it now. Seriously. (You would never watch Ghostbusters II without first seeing Ghostbusters, would you?) I'll see you back here when you've finished. Take your time but do not underestimate said ‘edge.’

Okay, all that (the previous post) being said, here's the other thing: I don't like it.

I get it. I follow it.

I admire it. I explain it to others.

I read about it. I advocate for it.

I serve as Danger Jim news reporter for it.

I got to know the REI staff so well that I think I may now be Godparent to one of their children.

I Google Map for it. (You don't think so? I can Google Map your ass with one hand tied behind my back!)

I fully support it (with the possible exception of what you're about to read if you stick around here long enough and my occasionally referring to it as the Bullshit Expedition, I fully support it).

Even so.... I Don't LIKE It. I don’t, I don’t. (You can’t see this, but my feet are taking turns stamping the floor.)

Intellectually, I get Aaron’s trip. I am the leader of the cult for it!
In fact, truth be told, I probably started this line of thinking. The 'follow your heart' thing, the concept of us all being here for divine purpose, magical dreams and passions was probably first taken seriously by Aaron only after I spoke of it a few dozen times on our first date. You can ask him if this is an accurate statement or not.
It may take him a couple of years to get back to you; he's a little tied up right now.

Can you sense the edge from the aforementioned verse?

Until the past week or two, this blog space, My Scarlet Letters has been somewhat vague regarding the personal details of my private life. I have referred to previous relationships (good and/or bad) in a general manner. I have spoken of my work place in a relatively broad-spectrum way. I've mentioned my children briefly and in a peripheral fashion.

That probably won't be the case any longer. Things are about to get more specific.

The man in my life has made a major life change that is having dramatic effects on my own.

Aaron has decided to walk across America. He plans to hit all 50 states. At one point, it was his estimate that this could take two years or more.

Isn't this crazy? Outlandish? Kind of exciting to contemplate the adventure involved?
I love that the man I love thinks like this.
That he believes in the possibility of such things.
That one day it occurs to him that it would be amazing to take a walking trip across the country, so he starts figuring out the best way to make it happen. How cool is that?

Haven't we all had those over the rainbow fantasies for a few seconds? "Wouldn't it be cool to motorcycle across Europe?” "Swim the English Channel?” "Ride every roller coaster in North America?” "Start my own restaurant?” "Kayak up the Canadian coast to Alaska?” "Make balloon animals at the circus?"

Yes, I love that he thinks this way, but I do not like him actually doing it. This dichotomy pisses me off. I hate this intersecting energy. What does it mean when the dream of one half of a couple is at direct cross purposes with the couple itself? At least it seems like cross purposes to this half of the couple. The one left behind, in my self-pitying state. So attractive, self pity. Now, I’m pissed and unattractive. Win-win.

Aaron claims to believe that this trip will make us better, stronger. Better and stronger, I’ve always felt such improvements overrated. Like upgrading to the fully loaded car. Who needs all that extra chrome to polish and buttons to memorize? Does this imply that we are currently or were a couple of weeks ago, an ordinary or mediocre pair? The basic package, stocked with only the factory’s minimal features. Beige with manual windows. Yes, yes, I’m being whiny and melodramatic, totally allowed when sporting an edge.

I don’t like it.

The problem is, I get his point. About us. That there’s opportunity as a couple to support each other, me supporting Aaron on his endeavor and Aaron supporting me remaining here. It has to be a two-way street. Don’t think we haven’t had this discussion dozens of times. Just know that in my mind this two-way street is four lanes across, with three of these being Express lanes headed back in my direction. That feels fair, no?

Can you feel my struggle? I’m torn. I don't like it.

Can we pick our dreams? Our destiny? Or does it come with our DNA, like the dictating of our shoe size or our preference for dark as opposed to milk chocolate?

I feel like a bully. I preach for the support and understanding of following one’s bliss until I find this one inconvenient or annoying? Like John Horseface Elway portraying his dream to play in the National Football League, but then throwing a spoiled baby fit because he was drafted by the Colts. Oh, John, the indignity of it all. “No, I won’t do it. You’re not the boss of me. I don’t like it! You can’t make me play for the Colts.”

I suspect, but I'm not sure, that if I looked him straight in the eye and said, "Aaron, this, for me, is a deal breaker. I can't do it. I won't support you in this. If you decided to leave for this trip, we are all done," he might decide to come back. I think so, maybe. Probably? I don't know for sure. But can you imagine the strain that would put on our relationship? My having unconditionally declaring my refusal to participate in his dream? (Reminds me of another unilateral decision I know....hmmm.) Even if he stayed here with me 'willingly' after such a declaration, I don't think we'd ever be the same. Or that he'd ever be the same. He would, from then on, always think of himself as a man who let someone else call his shots. How would he not resent me? Or worse, himself? How could he not feel controlled and manipulated by the will of another?

So I didn't say it. I didn't say “Don’t go.” “DON’T GO!” I never really wanted to say such a thing. Honestly. Plus there's the little matter of the fact that I so believe in what he's doing. I just don't like it.

Some one speculated that this will be really hard for me waiting but that Aaron would be here with me in spirit. To that I say, "Well, then let Aaron take the trip in spirit and the rest of him can just stay here with me."

The 'rock' I mentioned in the previous post is my belief. It’s a boulder. My belief in the magic of following that inner voice. Honoring your bliss. Your deepest desires. (I believe we come to this planet with our desires because we are MEANT to fulfill them!) This feels solid, organic and unmoving.

The 'blade of the oncoming bulldozer' is the side of me who wants to pitch a fucking fit. The smaller, isolated, narrow-thinking, selfish bitch side that wants Aaron here with me. She hasn't really seen the full light of day in a couple of years but I suspect she'll be just a strong as in years past, if I let her get her steel toed boots in the door. She’s a bulldozer driving bitch under the influence of Bellatore.

My head knows that "Life is too short to put off your dream."
My heart retorts that "Life is also too short to be apart for such a long period of time."

This is the most amazing romantic relationship I've ever known and now half of it is walking along the Columbia River for the unforeseeable future.

"I don't like it," she cried.

I'm really good at all the other stuff. The stuff above: supporting, admiring, following, news reporting, Google mapping. Really good. Ask Aaron, he'll tell you.

What I'm not so good at is the 'not liking it' part. I feel good when I rally for Aaron. It feels right and good and healthy for us. For Aaron. For me.
But the 'not liking it' feels terrible. It feels small and sad. I feel small and sad. I feel alone and broken.
Unsure of my ability to weather this adventure.

When I started this post I was mad. Now I'm just sad.

Oh well, I have to go no. I get to go see ‘Annabel’s’ latest post and read all of the comments. If I can elbow my way between all of my fellow followers. Oops, right back to mad, I guess.