One Man's List

Perpetually behind. Always trying to get caught up. That is a terrible place to live. I know these people. And some days I am these people. I hate when that happens.
To live in a constant state of defeat. Failure.
Cheerful blog today, no?

I love those days that are so easy to live with as I lay my head down at night. I mentally look back at the list with which I began my day and mentally check off the accomplishments.
Feels good.

• Swept the kitchen.


• Laundry.


• Breakfast.


• Dishes.


• Posted on one of the blogs.


• Shower


• Made the bed. (Clearly these are not in order of importance.)


• Got my headlight replaced.


• Sewed a stray button.


• Paid a couple bills.


• Made some business phone calls that I've been putting off.

And this doesn't include the commute, work, writing the novel and all.

When I lay down tonight, this list of checked off items will feel good. I'm just going to need to be careful not to think about the list of things I had hoped to get to but didn't.

I am grateful for a good, juicy list.

Happy Thirteen!

I am grateful for the 13th day of every month.
And when it falls on a Friday. . . . sweet!

Following Flow

I love when I stumble.

We stroll along thinking we know so much, that we have so much figured out. Then we stumble upon something.
At times it's the type of 'trip up' that requires one to exercise her dusty humility.
It is hard to learn something new when going our regular, daily, full-speed ahead.
It is for me.


It's when I slow down, whether by my own choice or not, that I stand the best chance to absorb a lesson waiting there for me.


At other times, instead of the bumbling, tumbling type of stumble, it's the happy chance of stumbling upon something, like looking down and noticing a fine treasure in your path.
I love when I stumble upon a gem like that.


The second author to read at the aforementioned author event began not with introducing herself or her book by name but instead by saying, "I believe in following flow." I was struck. And frankly missed the next few things she said.
Following flow.



She didn't say "I'm going to go with the flow," and then proceed to explain the connection between the work of the author just previous to the poem she was about to read.
I believe in following flow. I love this energy. It feels like my choices are simple: I can struggle and strive through out my day. Or I can Follow flow.

When I first heard the phrase "Follow your bliss," I felt the same way.

I am grateful when I stumble upon a new treasure.

Happy?

I've written here and else where, pretty extensively, about Veterans Day, Memorial Day and such. I feel deep gratitude to all American citizens, past and present, who have served our country in the military.

The evening prior to Veteran's Day this year I attended an author event at a local library. One of the authors read an excerpt from his book about combat in Vietnam.

After the readings and during the consuming of chocolate cake I went up to him to say something regarding Veteran's Day. I stammered a bit. This has happened to me before where Veteran's Day is concerned.

Do you say 'Happy Veteran's Day?' Happy? Like Happy Fourth of July. Or Happy Birthday? Some how seems wrong.

Standing with this man it was easy to say, 'Thank you for your service to our country.' We knew each other previously. It wasn't like walking up to someone in uniform out in public to say Thank you.

I may be cynical but if I walk up to someone in public and say Thank You out of the blue, they might wonder if I'm a little touched. Or at the very least question what I mean. Wouldn't it be great if we lived in a country where service men and women were so accustomed to being thanked that they'd know exactly what I meant by Thank you?

Don't get me wrong, I am not afraid or hesitant to speak an entire sentence to a perfect stranger. (Ha! Are you new here?)

"Thank you for your service to our country."

I can do this. I have done this. Although it's incredibly hard to do without tears falling from my eyes.

As it turns out also incredibly hard to TYPE without tears falling from my eyes.

Thank you Veterans.

Monsters and Light

Did you notice that reference to Monsters Inc from yesterdays post? Well anyway, here is the rest of my thinking in gratitude to a good kid's flick...

My intent for yesterday's blog post was much lighter and quicker than it ended up being in the end.

Not apologizing. Just saying.



There are plenty of Pixar Disney Dreamworks matchy matchy movies out there. I've stopped trying to keep track of which production company produced which kids films and which companies are working with or owned by another of those big dog companies. But from what ever source there is a good number of that type of film that completely missed the mark for me.


The previews looked hilarious but then I'd eventually watch the actual movie and wonder what happened to the movie from the funny previews.

Happy Feet? What happened there, I'd like to know.
Shark Tale, give me a break.
Shrek 9, 10 & 12?
Polar Express. That one was just sad. Sorry.


I put off watching Monsters, Inc. Even though I could see the previews made it appear funny, I'd fallen for that one too many times. Sure it was going to be a big snooze, I'm not sure how it was that I ever watched it but I did.


And I loved it from the very first time. Now this movie was made in like 2004? Give or take. I'm not here to review seven year old movies. Although maybe there is an untapped market there. I'm writing about it here because until recently I really had yet to identify why I love it so much.
Sharing movies, books, music that are special to you can be a bit of an intimate experience, if you let it.


When I shared this movie with someone who had never seen it, the special was lost on him. It played for him like one of those mass production, high budget, marketing down your throat kind of animated features that seem to come out about every two and a half months.


I wanted to be okay with his luke warm, take it or would rather clip my toe nails review. Live and let other people watch whatever crappy movies they want to, right?

But I confess, and I rarely do this, I took it a bit personal.


I couldn't figure out why it bothered me that this movie did not rate higher. So I meditated on it a bit and tried to just get to the basic question: Why did I love it so?


This is a movie about a world in which the power source is the screams of children. Now, I'm not so uptight as to be offended by this. Funny, monsters coming out of kids closets to make kids scream, harness the power and move onto the next kid. I'm in.


But then by a serendipity and happy happenstance, one of the top producing monsters discovers that the laughter of a child is a much more potent power source than screams ever were.

For me, it narrows down to Edgy v. Sweet. (Okay, I know a little bit black and white but I don't care.)


We live in a society that thrives on pushing the envelop of edgy. How far can we go? How raunchy, ugly, dark, sinister and evil can we get? Startle and repulse!! More more more.
The power of it may seem addicting.


But shouldn't we consider the possibility that there is more 'power' and 'glory' to be had from laughter and light and love and the sweetness that we dismiss as dull and boring because it isn't edgy enough.


Maybe my take is a bit simplistic for you but I think we should revere and hold up the sweetness of life. And stop glorifying the gore and the filth that shock and thrill us in the worst possible way.


I'm so very grateful for the laughter of a child.

"Answer the stripe question!"

Gotta love a good kid's movie, no? I know I do.

I'm grateful for my favorite kid movies.


I adore the movie Toy Story.
Anne of Green Gables.
Many of the Disney Classics: Peter Pan, The Jungle Book (to which I know the words to every song), Robin Hood, Mary Poppins.
I love Winnie the Pooh, but only the ones narrated by Sebastian Cabot and where the animation includes the turning of the pages.
The Grinch
Charlie Brown
Up
Willow
Princess Bride
ET
Harry Potter & the Sorcerers Stone
Is Wizard of Oz a children's film? I think it is.
I could go on.


The two specific movies that prompt this post are Finding Nemo and Monsters Inc.


Nemo was a huge hit before I sat down to watch it after it came out in DVD. The marketing was through the roof. This, for me, is often an indication of something I should avoid. But somehow I ended up watching anyway. I cannot remember whether I watched it alone. In bed. Or any other details except that as I watched it the very first time, my chest tightened. And it was just a tiny bit hard to breathe.


Do not mistake me:
The voices of Albert Brooks (one of my all time favorites) and Ellen DeGeneres were incredible.
The animation was wonderful. Amazing. In these respects, for me, the hype held up.


But at the point in the movie when the lovely wife and mother fish has been killed along with all but one of her baby fish eggs and this damages the father so deeply and so profoundly that he was, from then on, never the same person or parent again, it hit me like a truck.


I feel the strong urge to paste all the Marlin and Nemo quotes here that pierced me when I watched it. That pierce me still, every time.


I am Marlin. The forever scarred parent who no longer trusts the world or his own abilities to look out for and truly protect her child. Her first born.


My first child appeared to be healthy when he came into the world. But before he was two day old he had gone into congestive heart failure and was being rushed to Children's Hospital.

I could write a long blog post, a good number of long blog posts about that experience. In fact it seems I cannot write about this enough to really heal and recover from the event itself.
But today I mean to speak to the damage left behind.


In every single scene where Nemo's Dad does everything within his power to protect his child, even to the detriment of his child, I relate. I relate so strongly in fact, it physically angers me. I want to defend and argue for that parent who knows nothing but fear.


When Nemo is excited about his first day of school, but Marlin reminds him that he should not be so excited because the ocean (their world) is not a safe place. I understand and even agree.

MARLIN - All right, we're excited. First day of school, here we go. We're ready to learn to get some knowledge. Now, what's the one thing we have to remember about the ocean?
NEMO - It's not safe.
MARLIN - That's my boy. So, first we check to see that the coast is clear. We go out and back in.And then we go out, and back in. And then one more time--out and back in. And sometimes,if you wanna do it four times--
NEMO - Dad..


Marlin tries to talk Nemo into waiting to start school in a year or two, no hurry. He's terrified that something beyond his control is going to happen to this kid. If he turns his back for a second, DANGER DANGER. So he tries to keep him close. Shelters him. Monitors and controls his every activity.


Observing my parenting with this child over the years, you might find yourself calling me over protective. But I just call it FUCKING TERRIFIED.


I never managed to get from under that fear. My son is now twenty-four years old. With two small boys of his own. It's easy to look back now and think 'what was I so worried about,' but we never knew if he'd live another year. There was never a point at which any of his doctors looked at his father and I and announced "We're out of the woods." Never happened.


I wish I'd found a way to breathe all that time. It takes a lot of your energy to hold your breath for that long.

I wish, I wish, I wish I'd been able to do it differently. But I could not.

I am Marlin.

Nemo: Dad, you're not gonna freak out like you did at the petting zoo, are you?
Marlin: Hey, that snail was about to charge.

But instead I wish I was Crush, the turtle Dad Dude. With Squirt, the kid Dude.

[Squirts falls off the back of another turtle and off the current]
Marlin: [freaks out] Oh, my goodness!
Crush: Whoa. Kill the motor, dude.
Squirt: Whoa! That was so cool! Hey dad! Did you see that? Did you see me? Did you see what I did?
Crush: You so totally rock, Squirt! So gimme some fin. [They slap fins]
Crush: Noggin'. [bump heads]
Crush, Squirt: Dude!

I am grateful for a seemingly silly movie that can, as it entertains me on a purely superficial level, also remind me deep down of some personal truths.

Marlin: How do you know that nothing bad won't happen?
Dory: I don't.

Play Time

I'm taking an on-line class at work on Customer Service. Tier 1 Support Specialist. I really like the class. I wish I had more time to devote. And I wish every one, every where were required to take it.
Or that I could wave my Magic Wand and that every one every where would just be instantly endowed with the principles of this course.
Oh well.

The unit I'm in now is called Ways to Enhance Creativity (in relation to problem solving during customer support). One of the assignments was to list five new ways in which I am going to supplement and enhance my current work space to encourage more creativity, and support thinking increasingly with my right brain when I assist callers on the Helpdesk. (Because, as I've learned, as logical and efficient as my left brain can be, she is also quite rigid and linear when that might not be the best thing.)

The not unattractive instructor of this class puts a heavy emphasis on the concept of Playing with a problem instead of Working a problem. The distinction here resonates soundly within me. Much of the lesson was on converting one's work station into a creativity center with playful aspects incorporating all the senses.

So I made my list of five things:

• Get a goldfish




• Order a mini Zen garden




• Buy a bright red Lady Bug shaped computer mouse on-line




• Play more Baroque music (which is proven to stimulate alpha brain waves like no other form of music.) I'll have to give up disco, I suppose.




• Oh now, I can't remember the fifth one but I assure you it was a very good idea and I did receive 100% on the assignment.

But as I 'played' with this assignment, I realized I already have some creativity inducers going on over here.

• I have some mini wind chimes hanging at the entrance to my cubicle.




• I have Calvin & Hobbes strips and pictures pinned to my walls




• A window to let me take in the clouds and other weather outside.




• I regularly have a vase of fresh flowers adorning my space. Sometimes two vases.




• I have a couple of real live plants.




• A hot pink pinwheel




• A sand dollar from my beach




• Midge in the next cubicle




• Library books with amazing images, beautiful watercolors or mind-blowing pop-up creations on display






• An Origami crane and a white globe




• Multiple audio books on my shelf to choose from depending on my mood




• And until someone tripped over the stool beneath it, a frog shaped garden sculpture being used as a candy dish filled with color coordinated Jelly Bellys. (Bellys, is that right? Looks wrong. But not as wrong as Bellies.)

I am grateful for my right brain. Bless her heart.