09 March 2012

The Consolation Prize

You know February whizzed right by me. No blog post since January 1st.

It's not that I haven't been blogging, it's just that I haven't been doing it out loud. I blog quite regularly in my head. I may have mentioned this before.

When I start working on a blog topic in my head, the future post is short and crisp. It's clever and quick. It's funny and it's profound.

But then this thing happens.... in my head: I hear voices.

Not the kind of voices manageable by medication. Slightly less menacing than that. I hear the voices of my readers. Your voice. Specifically, the voice in your head.

You know the one, the voice that argues with the guy who just cut you off in traffic.
The one that practices the talk you need to have with your boss.
The voice that rationalizes that questionable decision you just made.
The one that travels into the past and speaks the perfect words, instead of the words that haunt you at night when you can't sleep.

Is it a super power, that the inside of my head can hear the inside of your head?

I will be simply minding my own blog business, composing my post internally when your voice starts arguing against my point. Trying to find the flaws. Eager to prove me wrong. The voice in your head will roll its eyes at the words being written in my head. It scoffs at my grammar. Mocks my presumption and arrogance. "Who are you to write these ridiculous words? These posts? Who do you think you are? And who do you think wants to read your opinion and observation?"

"HA!" You point and laugh, in your head. But I can hear you, you know!

Now you'd think, being able to hear all this negativity and criticism from within your head would discourage me. Make me less likely to continue the writing that I'm doing in my head. But instead I just start mentally writing more. I start defending my point. Justifying myself and my opinion. My right to observation. I hear your arguments before they escape your lips and I'm ready. I think of all the possible rebuttals you might have but I'm ready with my pre-buttal! Take that.

So really a good deal of my blog posts are preemptive arguments. I am so completely sure that you're going to disagree with me and call me foolish, crazy even, that the voice in my head jumps on her horse and runs like crazy to head the voice in your head off at the pass.

Unfortunately this often makes for a long and messy post. Full of rationalizations and double talk. Working both ends of the conversation.

It's exhausting trying to cover every argument eventuality. Especially those that exist in the far reaches of your head. It's like a game show that is impossible to win. Can't you just hear the Sorry, you're a loser music now? Wuh, wuh, waaaa.

So the post never gets written. Because it's just too much. I have dozens of unwritten posts. Three in the last week. One on the truth of our dreams. One on chivalry. And one that begs the question: Why does my car run so much better when my gas tank is full and my favorite song is playing on the stereo?

But no. And it's all your fault. Or the fault of that voice in your head. That I can totally hear right now, by the way.

Take that BACK!