Afraid to start

I keep putting this post off. Off. OFF.

I am not sure I can do it.

When ever I start to write here, or even think of how to start,

my chest gets tight and I can't get good air.

I need to write about Aaron.

Not in the 'oh mom, do I have to do the dishes' kind of 'need to.'

But in the "I'll go crazy if I don't do this" need to.

I can't not.

The thing is, there is so much to say and I feel so very strongly about every single bit of it,

I just can't.

My throat is tight just typing about it.

There is so much.

I keep dancing around it but never look at it head on.

Without all the details I should be giving you here first, I'll say this much...

Today was my first day back at work since he left.

And it was FAR harder than I would have guessed.

When someone comes up to me and asks, "Barbie, how's Aaron doing?"

I am fine. I can talk and smile and function fairly well.

When someone comes up to me and asks, "Barbie, how are you doing since Aaron left?"

I can't speak. I can't breathe. I can't even look into their face.

Excuse me, I need to go find a tissue and a drink.

Sorry.