18 November 2010

What is black, white and red all over?

My life is exhausting. This makes no sense on the surface.

I am not in a knitting club or a quilting circle.
I am not on endless committees at work, in the community or in church.

I'm not in a book club or taking a gourmet cooking class.
I work less than forty hours a week.

I am not back in school to finish my degree.
I do not volunteer at any local worthy cause. Unless you count dropping things off at Goodwill.

My children are grown, for the most part. They do not require nor desire constant supervision, intervention and/or personal commentary on my part.

I have no pets.
No discernible hobbies.

I am not addicted to such energy black holes as....
....gambling,
....Twitter,
....exercise (whew, dodged a bullet there!),
....Facebook,
....cleaning,
....World of Warcrap or any other MMORPGeewhizwheredidthelastyeargo games,
....working,
....shopping
or preposterous, holy-shit-get-a-life reality television shows like Dancing With the Has-Beens.

(You'll notice that Big Bang Theory, Harry Potter and dark chocolate are not on the above list of what I'm not addicted to, but try to keep in mind that we aren't talking about what is not on that list. We, and I use this term loosely, are focused exclusively on the points that support my pulpit here.)


I am quite clearly not busy writing blogs all the time. (Although I might be addicted to starting new blogs...but probably not.)

I do not travel; I rarely vacation.
I do not go to plays or the symphony.
I don't club hop nor clutter hoard.

As much as I'm enjoying the compilation of things that are not sucking my time into the great unknown, my point here is that my life is exhausting. And it makes no sense on the surface.

Without all of the above distractions, addictions, compulsions, recreational activities and bona fide past times, how can I be exhausted every single day?

I wake up exhausted.
I climb out of bed already overwhelmed and defeated.
I feel this heaviness in my bones but I look around my life and daily existence for evidence of being over committed or like Bilbo Baggins "sort of stretched, like butter, scraped over too much bread" but it does not add up.

I'm not talking about a physical fatigue, although there is that. This exhaustion is emotional, spiritual and from somewhere within. The origin of which cannot be seen with the naked eye but I am still pretty sure I know what it is.

I am not living my right life. That's the cause.

I know this. It's one of those 'truth' things. I am just not. This is not my right life. I sure of this. I've sensed it for a good long period of time; yet it is still the case. What the hell is that?

There is no organic, genuine life energy in living the wrong life. Instead there is manufactured, artificially salved, forced and phony social energy and facade that we produce because it's expected of us in public, but it's a forgery of our true heart and love and intuition. And it is exhausting.

Are you life weary?

The wrong life is always going to be a bad fit. We may learn to live with it but we'll know somewhere inside, no matter how much practice we've had ignoring it. The wrong life requires constant tugging and twisting and readjusting like a pair of jeans two sizes too small.

If we insist on hanging onto our wrong life with both hands, for whatever well-intended and oft-rehearsed reason we might cling to about what a 'good' person does, who a good parent is, what 'successful' looks like, we will only struggle and scramble and squirm and waste away.

In a backward attempt to fill the empty cracks of our wrong life, we'll smoke, shop, drink, consume and participate in any other superficially soothing and instantly gratifying activity sold to us on the web and cable television as attractive and admirable. And often we hold up our wrong life as some sort of honorable self sacrifice for the sake of those close to us: kids, parents, toy poodles.

But when we throw the pursuit of our right life under the bus in martyrdom for the sake of others, everyone and everything suffers.

A little preachy today, huh? It's okay. Some of my very favorite people on the planet may read this and feel stabbed but I'm really just talking to me.

My life doesn't fit and I'm getting so tired of trying to MAKE it work.

There, I've said it.



So what is black, white and red all over?
My clothes closet.

As much as I hate it, I had to go shopping recently because I was frankly running out of things to wear and the weather was turning COLD. So in the store, I walked around searching, scoping, scooping and gathering an arm load of clothes to take with me into the dressing room when I looked down at the pile I carried and realized it was all black, white or red. ALL. Solid or patterned. But all black, white and red. An image of the clothes I already had in the closet at home flashed across the screen of my mind and I knew...quite clearly, I'm in a fashion rut.
So to step out of my comfort zone, I bought a skirt that was not black, white or red.

It's beige.

Step back!

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have an idea, but you probably know what I'm going to say...

Well, anyway, I think you need to decide what you want, then work toward it. The joy in that will accumulate - maybe slowly at first, but it will set you on the right path to 'YES, this is what I want.'

I think I am close to that now. Seriously, but the stuff I had to give up was so heavy, and seemed so important, I couldn't figure out how to drop it--Sort of like an armload of groceries.

Write.

You are so talented.

Ignore me if writing isn't what you want. If it doesn't make you feel that light, fluffy frosting feeling when you accomplish something you started. But you have talent.

Hugs and love.
A faithful reader-- L

Anonymous said...

Advice to Barbie:
Get your ego out of the product and into the process.

Or...

Just write.

Anonymous said...

I agree with the above two posters.

Work toward what you want, refuse the distractions that keep you from living your best life.

Write your words. Your human genius is waiting to blossom.

People love to listen to what you say. People love to read what you write.

Own your peace. Own your joy. Own your genius. And write. Every single day.

Aaron

Anonymous said...

Black white and red - my 3 favorite colors. I may slide off into grey or pink - buying something not in those 3 colors requires me to THINK whilst I shop. Notice a toe ring with a blue stone - that wasn't easy for me. Ebony stones, ruby stones, crystals.....I HAD to think to buy blue, even for someone else! ACK. Living the right life takes time and in my case, one day I woke up and the decision was made - this was what I would change and today was the day. I called to work and told my supervisor (at that time) I have just become homeless and I wouldn't be in. I was, but I didn't care. That's the way it happens - planning on something takes far too much time and energy for me. Today I am here - tomorrow I may not be - I sit on the fence and never know what way I will fall. Snort, I crack myself up sometimes, know it? However, I do fall and it is always because I have leaned way out there on that side :) B-when it feels good, simply DO IT.