Asked and Answered

This morning I woke wondering why I keep expecting other people to treat me better than I treat myself. I know the universal truth involved here. I know it intellectually. But in other ways I must still not get it. Because I keep driving full speed off this cliff.

It is crazy to expect other people to treat me any better than I am willing to treat myself. Could someone please make me some flash cards? Please.

This is crazy.

When I find myself irritated with some one's disregard (or worse) in my specific direction, I have to ask myself: Am I treating myself with disregard (or worse)? The answer is often 'Yes.' This is also crazy.

I think we are raised this way. Raised to think there is virtue in self-sacrifice. That I'm a good person because I put other people first. Taking authentically good care of myself only on very few days.


Instead, what's actually true is that if you will sacrifice yourself, other people won't hesitate to do the same. That if I put myself last, I should not be surprised when other people do also.

I am admittedly quick on the trigger when the barrel of my pen is pointed in the direction of the male gender and today is no different. (You've been warned.)

In our world, run by men for thousands of years now, women especially, are trained from very early, to put their own needs last. (Wow, pretty convenient system for approximately half of the population.....)

Even though I am known as a relatively verbal, outspoken, opinionated and bitchy-type person, I still have the most difficult time saying, "Yeah, I really don't feel like putting your needs ahead of my own today. Check with me again tomorrow. Or next week. Or, here's an idea, learn to take care of yourself in a manner that does NOT walk all over my basic needs and rights. And feelings." How 'bout that?

Instead of politely, confidently and yet firmly speaking up for myself, advocating on my own behalf, I get pissed and pissy. What men might consider BITCHY!

My theory here is that women are taught, in a very subtle and insidious manner from birth, that we do not deserve to behave in our own best interest. We are to be compliant and quiet, maybe not literally, as you begin your very mental list of loud, controlling women, but as a cultural, sinister undercurrent of programing. Subliminal encoding. This is the only explanation I can come up with. Women are taught that it is our role as women to 'give' at our own expense. To bend over and take it.

That we'd be selfish and unladylike if we were to say, "Um .... BULLSHIT!" I'm not sure I like our commonly held definition of ladylike. I'll get back to you with some other suggestions on that.

I wonder if I'm brave enough to be selfish and 'unladylike' from here on out. I wonder.

PS: In case you were thinking of writing me here reminding me that 'ladylike' is not exactly how you would have described me on any given day even before now.... Don't! Just keep it to yourself.