13 October 2011

Things We Said Today

Is there any better way to start a blog post than with a Beatles' title? I think we both know the answer to that question.

Lately I've given a lot of thought to all the things we tend not to say.
The truth we tend not to tell.

For instance, and this is a purely hypothetical scenario, say you have a co-worker that you consider a friend. A welcome smile in the murky Black Sea of the work place. This friend is someone you genuinely enjoy. Someone with whom you get along well. And easily. The jokes come freely and frequently. You may actually depend on this person to make your job more tolerable. Hypothetically, of course.

But then suddenly, you realize it's been a couple days since you've heard from this person. You don't run into each other in the same way you usually do. You shoot a clever, irreverent email but there's no reply. You wait a bit. Who knows, right? Sometimes people have bad days, bad weeks, bad careers at work. They don't feel like being social, cheerful and such. Sometimes people take vacations. Are out sick. Right? Right.

More time goes by but somehow things do not feel the same. You begin to suspect that maybe something is 'wrong.' Did I say something to offend this person? Did I step over some invisible line?

Now, keep in mind that this purely hypothetical person is NOT a close personal friend. They are, however, one of your favorite people at work. Someone with whom you can't wait to joke about some ridiculous thing. A person with whom it's okay to be yourself within the social restraints of work. But this is not someone with whom you can sit down and trust with your heart wide open. And now this is a problem.

Because with that intimate, personal friend you can say the words "Feels like something's up between us. Things feel different and I want to make sure we're all good. Did I hurt your feelings? Or offend you some how?" With a good friend you should be able to do this. (Although I'm not sure how often we do...)

I believe in this type of honesty. I love clear air. If I care for someone and I believe they care for me, then the air between us becomes priority. Even urgent, at times. I have the most difficult time with things that hang in the air between myself and someone that I like and appreciate.

I don't give a shit about things that hang in the air between myself and the asshole who cut me off in traffic five seconds ago.
Between myself and the people at work who seem to go out of their way to make my job more frustrating and difficult.
Between myself and someone who has proven them self to be a small, overcompensating, arrogant prick. The air between those people and me can be filled with the entire contents of the Smithsonian for all I care.

But for those people whom I appreciate and treasure, on whatever level, clear air is my goal. I hate, hate, hate the feeling that something is off with someone for whom I'm grateful. It will keep me up at night. Drive me to distraction, wracking my brain trying to figure out what I might have said or not said. Done or not done that may have left something in the air between us.

The problem inherent with this hypothetical situation, along with many actual situations just like it, is a social expectation for deception. We are actually expected to lie.

"Hey, Erika. I haven't heard from you in a while. Is every thing okay? Are you upset with me?"

You and I both know that the expected reply to a question such as this is an adamant, "No, no. I'm fine. Everything is good." Even if the truth is something completely different.

Seriously, what is Erika going to say? "Well now that you mention it, I am quite pissed at you." Right. Who really speaks truth in such cases?

Now my purpose in this post is not to vent about someone at work (so stop trying to figure it out), I said hypothetical remember? But instead to express my sadness that we can't just talk to each other. That we are discouraged from being true. So many layers of social correctness. Our ever-present social shields standing strong to protect us from genuine interactions that might put us at risk.

Do you ever wish you could just speak straight to someone? Because they're worth it. Because you are. Just release the restraints. Then trust that they can take it? Do you wish? I do.

2 comments:

Unknown said...

So if you ask me how I'm feeling, physically, medically, I'm likely to lie - just so you know. 'Cause I like to keep those things personal, private. Unlike some other people, I won't usually volunteer any information in this department so don't ask. Okay? But anything else, and I mean ANYTHING - Ask me,really. I'll tell you.
And also, just so you know, sometimes I'm quiet just 'cause there is stuff going on with me. Don't think it is about you. Don't worry so much. What's not to like about you? You are perfectly, Barbie and I wouldn't have you be any other way.

Anonymous said...

Wishing you weren't so far away,
Then I will remember
Things we couldn’t have said today.